March 1st
8:30pm – Man found on the corner Fifth
and Oakland Ave turning right onto Fifth. An investigation for his sanity is
pending.
9:12pm – Police responded to a call
on Semple concerning a house party blaring the recent craze Harlem Shake, but
no one was dancing. F*cking hipsters.
March 2nd
12:23am – Police responded to a
city police call concerning a “keg party” that was actually a house full of
untested iPads on Mckee St. This has
been a recent occurrence throughout Oakland seeing that many students have been
contacted on Facebook in iPad testing recruitment strategies. A news report to
follow on WPIX.
1:00am – Police cited an affiliate for
underage drinking in Tower B.
1:05am - Police cited an affiliate
for underage drinking in Tower B.
1:10am - Police cited an affiliate
for underage drinking in Tower B.
1:10am - Police cited an affiliate
for underage drinking in Tower B.
1:11am – Police received a care
package.
2:11 am – Police responded to a
call concerning a 15 year old female at popular bar Mi Ranchito. A long talk
with Carlos ensued.
2:31am – Police responded to a call
from Panther Central concerning an affiliate who was throwing a temper tantrum
over a recent submission to “Pitt Makeouts” twitter account. An investigation is pending, and she is no
longer BFFs with her roommate.
2:40am – Police respond to a call
at Sorrento’s concerning a man covered in ranch. He was seen inhaling 7 pizzas and a brand new
sweater at the same time. Any witnesses
please report to the station underneath the Forbes crosswalk.
7:30am – Police cited an affiliate
for underage day-drinking in Lothrop.
12:01 pm – Police responded to a
call outside of Posvar concerning a banana.
During Greek Sing practice, an affiliate had slipped on a peel during a back
tuck.
2:00pm – Police cited an affiliate
for disorderly conduct in David Lawerence.
They were seen loading a backpack full of bananas from market and
followed till his first peel toss in. An
investigation is pending.
3:10pm – Police responded with the
city police to a woman bargaining sexual favors for “O fries” on Forbes Ave.
10:34pm – Police cited an affiliate
on Forbes Ave for public indecency due to the fact that he was wearing a
“man-kini” or “bananahammock” before Spring Break. We understand students get excited, but
please control yourself if your intentions concern “Skies Out, Thighs Out.”
March 3rd
12:07am – Police received a second
call concerning the lost girl Molly. A
citizen of Oakland saw her running down the Boulevard of the Allies and singing
at the top of her lungs “If You Seek Amy” by Brittany Spears. More siting are needed for use to triangulate
her whereabouts.
No comments:
Post a Comment