Kim Jong Un Declares Poke War on Barack Obama

This a ThePittNews.com exclusive article from The Real North Korea News.

In a stunning turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has declared a “poke war” on the Facebook page of United States President Barack Obama. Kim Jong Un was recently introduced to the internet by a team of top North Korean scientists, who have advised him that this cyber warfare is the way of the future. Un was reportedly giddy over the idea, and released the following statement this morning:

“This poke war will not end until I, Kim Jong Un, Supreme Ruler of North Korea, stand victorious over the United States. No man, woman, or child will be safe from the power of my pokes!”

“Kim Jong Un is advised in the art of poke warfare by his top scientists.”

President Barack Obama has yet to respond publicly to Un’s statement, but our top political analysts have concluded that the President has already responded to Un’s poke with a poke of his own. No telling yet how many lives will be caught in the crossfire, but we’ll be sure to keep you updated on the latest news.

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What Not to do on Spring Break

After a wild week spent in the Floridian tropics, the Pitt News has looked back on the parts we can remember to provide you with some wisdom on what Not to do on spring break.




1. Don't use tanning accelerator the first day... Especially if you're pale as fck.
2. Don't get into bathtubs with creepy strangers... Even if you are almost blackout drunk.
3. Don't take a jar of peanut butter into the shower... Even if you do like using it for your sexual pleasures.
4. Don't bring glass bottles onto the beach... It makes you a target for the spring break police.
5. Don't take margs from strangers... Especially if they're premade and only served to girls. You never know what could be in there.
6. Don't let yourself be carried into a strangers bedroom against your will... Especially if you're sober and have pink eye.
7. Don't be "half rocked" in front of anyone over 35... You'll probably get kicked out and won't be allowed to come back.
8. Don't wear your designer Coach sunglasses into the ocean... They will disappear into the waves and your drunk ass will not be in any shape to find them.
9. Don't give into the temptation of free limo service to a restauraunt... If the restaurant offers complimentary limo service, it's probably expensive as fck and way out of your budget.
10. Don't go skinny dipping in the ocean at 3am then have to warm up in the hot tub... There's more windows, balconies, and bushes than you think and someone will be enjoying the view, maybe even enough to try to join in your little adventure.
11. Don't shit behind a tree... The explanation is pretty clear.

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Pickup Lines For The Weekend

Here are some pickup lines for the weekend and spring break...Good luck.

Guy: “Do you have a twin sister?”

Girl: “No, why?”

Guy: “Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Girl: “Dunkin Donuts or Brueggers?

Guy: “Excuse me?”

Girl: “Oh, I was just trying to decide what we’re gonna get for breakfast in the morning.”

Farewell to Yoga Pants

 With spring break right around the corner it will only be a matter of time before the sun comes back and the ice melts. With this sudden increase in temperature men everywhere will be forced to say goodbye to one of their favorite articles of clothing, yoga pants. One of the few things that can bring a smile to the face of a young man walking around in the depressing environment that is a Pittsburgh winter is yoga pants. Fortunately yoga pants are not just for yoga classes at the local gym anymore. The sudden rise in popularity have had “ass-men” everywhere looking down and smiling whenever it gets a little cold outside. Unfortunately, just like deer, girls in yoga pants can only be hunted during a specific time of year. Have no fear men for with the death of one thing, comes the birth of another. The emergence of the warm weather will lead to women removing their layers “up top”. It is only a matter of time until we are graced with tank-top and Norts season, followed quickly by bikini season. It is not the time to mourn the passing of yoga pants but rather celebrate the arrival of more skin.

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Campus Dime: Chelsea Seely

TPN: What is your favorite color?

Chelsea: "Purple"

TPN: What is your favorite book?

Chelsea: "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, By: Dr. Seuss"

TPN: What is your favorite song?

Chelsea: "It Wasn't Me, By: Shaggy"

TPN: What is your major?

Chelsea: "Nursing"

Makeout Sleepover: Girl's View

Last week ThePittNews.com released a controversial article called "Makeout Sleepover." In no time at all girls were emailing in complaints about the article's negative and belittling portrayal of females. The article was said to "glorify the horny-frat-boy-type." The editors decided to calm complaints by asking Preston McCoy, author of the article, to get the girl involved in his "Makeout Sleepover" to write a response article. With our most sincere apologies we present the following...

Trend Travesty Tuesday: Graphic Tees

Shirts are really good to keep you warm and keep you from being that shirtless tool who thinks everyone wants to see his abs, but who had the bright idea to treat a t-shirt like a cheesy, metallic Van Gogh? Graphic tees might as well be one of the biggest travesties of this century, being the marking point of the typical Guido (and random wanna-be Guido). We all saw these types of shirts on the Jersey Shore, and its obvious they are cool because those people are all obviously successful and intelligent people... Well if you haven't recently landed on your head from a long fall, you would know that not only are the cast of the Jersey Shore all clowns, but graphic tees are a big no no.